Are you happy? vs Childhood trauma, things other didn't know

My brother told me he will cease helping me to receive payments from my SG customers. (well, tbh, it was only around 5 payments in a month).

Reasons he gave were
(1) his wife(his business partner) is not happy with it.
(2) cause she sees me as their competitor, saying after people buy from me, they wouldn't have any money left to buy from them.(well, I have no idea how narrow minded can she be)
(3) taking in money for me and transferring back to me, in and out, will affect their personal tax etc.(like I did not graduate from accounting) 

I was really upset and furious. Not gonna lie. Why is my brother being such an asshole. Competitor. I do not have the mean to compete with them, nor to disturb their business. But, for them. Competitor is all I am. Am I not your sister? Am I not your family? You dominating the market yourself before I get into it? Guess I'll get a solid NO for all.

So I guess, there's no more helping here and there. Doesn't care from my side or theirs, not gonna get any help from anyone. Guess I can sell what they're selling? since, I am a direct competitor? yeah, that's what they refer me as, a direct competitor. 

I make my own ads, I do my own text, I design my own video and ways to interact with customer. And all I get is, you're the same as us, you're a direct competitor. 

Sorry, no~ You guys are scammer and I'm not. I don't do scam for a living. 
Appreciate if you could stop calling me the same, it's disgusting and humiliating.

Right after this incident, I started to wonder what happened to my brother. I sort of regret for following some of his footsteps since we were young. Why is him so vendetta, so much hatred, so selfish?

And then, mom dug out a letter from many years ago. The letter my brother (her eldest son) left before leaving home early in the morning before anyone wakes up. I remember I used to wonder how long will my brother stays every time when he comes home. But it was always not enough. He always leave. He never feel happy at home. According to his letter, mom and dad pushed him away. Sadly, to an extend, I agrees with what he wrote. That dad was always someone who's afraid to stand up when his kids gets into trouble, and mom was always counting every penny she ever used on us. And was asking for money when we don't even have a stable job/income. 

I guess, it's because we're too poor and there is no way other than this? What happens happened. Without any financial planning before having kids, let alone kid. What happens when you're poor, and you on the other hand just can't stop wanting for more kids? How are you going to feed them? How are you gonna maintain their life, their education, their everything. 

Are they gonna worried and live in poor with you? Are they going to pay the price with their precious childhood just cause you wanted to have more kids. (Having kids deemed to be successful as a married couple in the past, I guess. Having son is the best, having both son and daughter lagi best.) 

Why were we brought into this world. I know we were not brought to be showered with love. "I do not have the responsibility to feed you even if I gave birth to you." Mom once yelled at me. 

I was only 22(at most) by that time. I was suffering from sciatic pain. I asked for money to get help with the pain and that led to this never ending argument. "Money" was the word that I would avoid at my best, in the past and even now. 

We were so poor, we grew up without enough love from our parents. Shouting, hitting, not educating properly, starving, not having enough food/nutrients during our growth period. We were all damaged in our own way. Not knowing what kind of damage we're carrying, but it'll show up as time passed. The more we experienced in life, the more our scar shows. Without us even noticing it. 

Why am I always playing the victim card? Why do I always feel insecure when someone I cares does not respond to me immediately? Why do I always judge myself. Why do I always felt not enough. Why do I never once feel good(in any way) about myself. Why do I avoid crowds? Why do I push people away when they try to get close to me. So many why. And the biggest why that affects my life now is. WHY DO I GET SO BOTHERED WITH MY SIBLINGS PROBLEM. WHY DO I HAVE THE URGE TO FIX WHAT'S BROKEN. 

Why am I, like this?

Why do happiness feel so unreal, why is life so unfair. So many whys 

I used to look forward to having my own kids. I used to adore cute little baby, kids. I wanted my own so badly. (I used to)
But now, it's a big NO from me. I hated kids, I hated how they cry and how I need to yelled at them when they're growing up etc.
I do not want my kids to live in poor. (cause I am 30 this year and I do not have a stable job, and I still felt like floating.)
I do not want to bring in a new life into my current life with me being so helpless and financially unstable. 
I already knew I was not going to get any help from my parents/family. 
Cause I grew up without a supportive parents. What makes me think they will be supportive if I have my own kid? 

Most of all, I do not want my kids to go through hell as a child. I do not want to be a bad parent who just yelled when I am frustrated. I do not have a mature partner. I am not ready mentally and physically to nurture a new living being. 

I hope all the suffering dies with me one day, that we will and no one will ever have to live like me. 

To the childhood that I hate,  fuck you.